How It Works

I love movies, but I hate most movie reviews. I hate them for two reasons: First, they always begin with a 3-5 paragraph in-depth description of the film. I don't want to know the entire plot, I want to know if it's good! I may say generally what the movie involves but that's it. Second, most movie reviews are unclear. I've read countless reviews that left me with absolutely no indication as to whether or not I should even see the film. Not here. I developed three methods to rate television and movies:

1. Just your average 10 point scale.
10 is obviously the best and 1 is the worst. Although, Something Borrowed might make below a 1 if I ever get around to reviewing it. I consider myself quite harsh, so if you see anything above a 9, it's probably in my top ten of all time.

2. What's it Worth?
I will tell you if I think it's worth paying for and worth the 2 (and ever more increasingly 3) hours of your time. I also make an educated guess as to whether or not you can multitask during the film.

3. The (not-yet) Patented Clairometer
In honor of my college friend Claire, I developed this rating system in order to display how "appropriate" the film is. It is designed to tell you a more detailed rating system. I find this helpful. Sometimes you want to know ahead of time so you're not stuck watching Black Swan in an empty theater with your mom. The range between PG-13 and R is more vast than the plot holes in a Michael Bay movie. I hope to combat this. The scale shows photos and descriptions of a few well-known women in film and television. The rating is the farthest woman to the left of the scale who would approve of the film. For example, June Cleaver would not approve of
Tequila Sunrise. The woman who would is probably Mathilda.

THE CLAIROMETER:

Clairometer

Clairometer

conclusion

With this blog, I write as though someone will read it and enjoy what I have to say. I am under no false pretense that I have a wide readership. It is mostly for me and for the one other person who accidentally stumbled across this blog. If that is you, I'm glad you are here. With this blog, I send my thoughts about what I watch on a black box into the abyss of the world wide web. I hope you enjoy reading these thoughts as much as I enjoy writing them.

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Friday, April 24, 2015

2 Movies I Couldn't Finish

1. Bachelorette (2012)
I hated this so much I can't even be bothered to tell you who made it. But I will tell you who is in it - Kirsten Dunst, Isla Fisher, Rebel Wilson, Lizzy Caplan, Adam Scott, James Marsden, and Horatio Sanz. I can honestly point to work that each of these actors has done with wholehearted adoration. How is this so bad? It's mind-boggling. Cocaine use is supposed to be funny. And as Andy Samberg proved, it can be. But it is absolutely not in Bachelorette.


This movie is a clear attempt to capitalize on the success of Describing that attempt as merely unsuccessful would be insulting to Kristin Wiig and Annie Mumolo. I hate to be such a snob. But I'd rather be a snob than be someone with bad taste, or someone who thinks snorting cocaine through a baby powder bottle in and of itself is a punchline.
Bridesmaids.

2. Man of Steel (2013)
Ok so I'm going against my title a bit. I saw it in the theater and my ride wanted to stay. But mentally, I did not finish this movie. This is honestly one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Ever. And for your point of reference, as superhero movies go, I enjoyed Iron Man 3. Why Amy Adams? Why? - I know the answer to this. She says all the time that she takes almost any part she can get because she loves acting so much and didn't get a real role until she was 30. Still...

I think Zack Snyder is secretly the little boy narrating Starlight Express. He's just a little boy playing with his toys that happens to have millions of dollars in a budget and access to famous people who do what he says. "Flying into each other" not only constituted the bulk of the action sequences in Man of Steel, it was also the climax - which lasted approximately 45 minutes. I normally think Cinema Sins is [a YouTube channel devoted to] poking unneeded holes in decent films [just to get views]; however it is SPOT ON for Man of Steel. Perhaps because the video is finally pointing out flaws that I actually agree are flaws. Check out the video here. It says everything I want to say, describes everything I was thinking while watching this movie, and provides every reason why you shouldn't watch Man of Steel, or even agree to put it on in the background.