How It Works

I love movies, but I hate most movie reviews. I hate them for two reasons: First, they always begin with a 3-5 paragraph in-depth description of the film. I don't want to know the entire plot, I want to know if it's good! I may say generally what the movie involves but that's it. Second, most movie reviews are unclear. I've read countless reviews that left me with absolutely no indication as to whether or not I should even see the film. Not here. I developed three methods to rate television and movies:

1. Just your average 10 point scale.
10 is obviously the best and 1 is the worst. Although, Something Borrowed might make below a 1 if I ever get around to reviewing it. I consider myself quite harsh, so if you see anything above a 9, it's probably in my top ten of all time.

2. What's it Worth?
I will tell you if I think it's worth paying for and worth the 2 (and ever more increasingly 3) hours of your time. I also make an educated guess as to whether or not you can multitask during the film.

3. The (not-yet) Patented Clairometer
In honor of my college friend Claire, I developed this rating system in order to display how "appropriate" the film is. It is designed to tell you a more detailed rating system. I find this helpful. Sometimes you want to know ahead of time so you're not stuck watching Black Swan in an empty theater with your mom. The range between PG-13 and R is more vast than the plot holes in a Michael Bay movie. I hope to combat this. The scale shows photos and descriptions of a few well-known women in film and television. The rating is the farthest woman to the left of the scale who would approve of the film. For example, June Cleaver would not approve of
Tequila Sunrise. The woman who would is probably Mathilda.





With this blog, I write as though someone will read it and enjoy what I have to say. I am under no false pretense that I have a wide readership. It is mostly for me and for the one other person who accidentally stumbled across this blog. If that is you, I'm glad you are here. With this blog, I send my thoughts about what I watch on a black box into the abyss of the world wide web. I hope you enjoy reading these thoughts as much as I enjoy writing them.

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Sunday, November 20, 2016

5 90's Movies That I Love, Because My Dad Does

(and also because they're great).

© Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios, Inc. 1995
1. Get Shorty (1995)
This movie has everything I love: witty dialogue, the movie business, an intricate plot, and ironic commentary. With Get Shorty you get the best of a Quentin Tarantino film without the horrifying nightmares.

John Travolta is out of a leisure suit and in his mob-guy prime. Rene Russo is nearly as beautifully cunning as she is in the Thomas Crowne Affair. And James Gandolfini is a southern-accented stunt man named Bear, who is eternally devoted to his four-year old daughter. Does it get any better than that?

I feel very connected to John Travolta's character Chili Palmer. He's a person who won't stop quoting movies even when no one around him understands the reference. Hmmm...

© Polygram 1997

2. The Game (1997)
I bet M. Night Shyamalan wrote one too many papers on The Game in film school. It seems like something he has often attempted to replicate. This is my go-to film to show people, partly because I have it on DVD and partly because it's a major crowd pleaser - for those who can pay attention. Also, David Fincher directed it, and he pretty much tonally nails everything he does.

©20th Century Fox 1995
3. Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995)
In my controversial opinion, the best of the Die Hard cannon. Most would probably argue the original, but I just can't get behind Alan Rickman as a villain. Although he plays one masterfully, I prefer when he ends up being the good guy. (See: "After all this time?" "Always.") I also prefer John McClane going on an exciting scavenger hunt throughout the city. As opposed to just crawling through air ducts for an hour. If you need more evidence as to why this installment is better than the newer ones, just ask Michael Scott.

© Miramax,1997
4. Jackie Brown (1997)
Perhaps my second favorite Tarantino (the first being Inglorious Basterds, in case you care). Pam Grier's title character is like Annalise Keating before she went to law school. Honestly, the fact that Shonda Rhimes hasn't written a series starring Pam Grier is a crime.

Jackie Brown takes the best parts of Pulp Fiction, removes the horrifying scene in that basement, and adds Di Nero. My dad quoted Samuel L. Jackson's "Beaumont" lines over and over, and I was probably too young to hear them. But alas, early exposure to Tarantino has only improved my life I'd say.

©MGM 1999
5. The Thomas Crowne Affair (1999)
I hate myself for saying this, but I haven't actually seen the original. However, my borderline illogical loyalty only to the 1950's Sabrina should make up for it. Apparently, according to this list, I really love Rene Russo. But seriously, have you seen Nightcrawler? She's incredible. She's a topless temptress at 45 in this film, and that was back in the 90s! Her character reminds me of those classic gumption-filled women of the early 20th century. Hmm, perhaps I should watch the original. Oh and Pierce Brosnan is the same character he always plays. He just can't look poor can he?