How It Works

I love movies, but I hate most movie reviews. I hate them for two reasons: First, they always begin with a 3-5 paragraph in-depth description of the film. I don't want to know the entire plot, I want to know if it's good! I may say generally what the movie involves but that's it. Second, most movie reviews are unclear. I've read countless reviews that left me with absolutely no indication as to whether or not I should even see the film. Not here. I developed three methods to rate television and movies:

1. Just your average 10 point scale.
10 is obviously the best and 1 is the worst. Although, Something Borrowed might make below a 1 if I ever get around to reviewing it. I consider myself quite harsh, so if you see anything above a 9, it's probably in my top ten of all time.

2. What's it Worth?
I will tell you if I think it's worth paying for and worth the 2 (and ever more increasingly 3) hours of your time. I also make an educated guess as to whether or not you can multitask during the film.

3. The (not-yet) Patented Clairometer
In honor of my college friend Claire, I developed this rating system in order to display how "appropriate" the film is. It is designed to tell you a more detailed rating system. I find this helpful. Sometimes you want to know ahead of time so you're not stuck watching Black Swan in an empty theater with your mom. The range between PG-13 and R is more vast than the plot holes in a Michael Bay movie. I hope to combat this. The scale shows photos and descriptions of a few well-known women in film and television. The rating is the farthest woman to the left of the scale who would approve of the film. For example, June Cleaver would not approve of Tequila Sunrise. The woman who would is probably Mathilda.

THE CLAIROMETER:

Clairometer

Clairometer

conclusion

With this blog, I write as though someone will read it and enjoy what I have to say. I am under no false pretense that I have a wide readership. It is mostly for me and for the one other person who accidentally stumbled across this blog. If that is you, I'm glad you are here. With this blog, I send my thoughts about what I watch on a black box into the abyss of the world wide web. I hope you enjoy reading these thoughts as much as I enjoy writing them.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Watch This Not This: Netflix Comedy Edition

Watch This...

Morgan Murphy: Irish Goodbye


My Rating: 7.3
Worth: Listening to while you wrap presents (if you're tired of holiday movies already. Thanks Lifetime). She's not a very "hands on" or "expressive" comedian. I'm sure there's a word for that. I'll ask Amy Schumer next time we get coffee together. Unlike one of my favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan, Morgan is very attractive, and 50% of her jokes don't have to do with her appearance (love ya Jim). So basically, she's just as funny if you only listen to her jokes.



Clairometer: It's standup, so obviously Erin Brockovich. I think other than that christian comedian who went on Leno ages ago, Ellen DeGeneres is the only "clean" standup comedian. God bless her.

Every comedy special always has the same overused phrases to describe it: "Nothing's off limits!" "She's the butt of her own jokes!" "No one is safe!" Jeez. Morgan is very funny. There, that's more original. She's as dark as she is pale. I don't see most of her jokes coming, which is always refreshing. It's dirty, but real. Not lies about explicit sexual exploits. I appreciate comedians who can make me laugh at everyday experiences and who don't rely on degrading everyone and everything to be funny. I could relate to her apathy towards live music and fear of androgyny. There's not much more to say about comedy. Just listen and laugh. I apologize, that reminds me of that year in 2005 when everything you tried to buy said Live Laugh Love on it. Gag.

Not This...

Chelsea Handler: Uganda Be Kidding Me


My Rating: 3 Something, I don't know. Who cares?
Worth: Nothing. But get a Netflix subscription anyways weirdo. Why don't you have one yet? How do you even watch movies and TV?
Clairometer: Erin Brockovich, because, as I explained earlier, it's standup.

Let me start with a disclaimer, I have never read any of Chelsea Handler's books. This is a book, and if you read this book in particular, you may enjoy the supplemental comedy special.

I like Chelsea Handler like I like Betsy Johnson or Taylor Swift. I don't enjoy anything they create, but I'm really glad they exist. I'm a feminist and would never diminish a woman who works her tokus off and breaks records in her field. So as I continue with this blog post, and say how much I hated this comedy special, it should be clear that I am not directing these comments at Chelsea Handler, merely this particular standup segment.

That being said, I did not enjoy this even slightly. It reminded me of my drunk aunt trying to describe a boring trip somewhere whilst simultaneously attempting to work an ancient slide projector. It seemed like every story was an inside joke between Chelsea and whomever she happened to be making fun of at that particular moment. It should've been called Uganda Be There to Get These Jokes. She mostly just threw her good friends under the bus for an hour. I know that's kinda "her move," but I don't find it funny and this seemed worse than her usual emasculating of all her male staff on Chelsea Lately. This was just boring. Another disclaimer, I didn't finish this. So there could be a really amazing closing bit that I missed.

I'm a The Office freak, so I just cannot leave this unsaid. I know that this meme doesn't depict the actual scene where Michael says this. It's in the hotel room with Dwight, Jim and Josh. But this is all I could find. And what am I going to do, make a gif myself? Uganda Be Kidding Me!
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