How It Works

I love movies, but I hate most movie reviews. I hate them for two reasons: First, they always begin with a 3-5 paragraph in-depth description of the film. I don't want to know the entire plot, I want to know if it's good! I may say generally what the movie involves but that's it. Second, most movie reviews are unclear. I've read countless reviews that left me with absolutely no indication as to whether or not I should even see the film. Not here. I developed three methods to rate television and movies:

1. Just your average 10 point scale.
10 is obviously the best and 1 is the worst. Although, Something Borrowed might make below a 1 if I ever get around to reviewing it. I consider myself quite harsh, so if you see anything above a 9, it's probably in my top ten of all time.

2. What's it Worth?
I will tell you if I think it's worth paying for and worth the 2 (and ever more increasingly 3) hours of your time. I also make an educated guess as to whether or not you can multitask during the film.

3. The (not-yet) Patented Clairometer
In honor of my college friend Claire, I developed this rating system in order to display how "appropriate" the film is. It is designed to tell you a more detailed rating system. I find this helpful. Sometimes you want to know ahead of time so you're not stuck watching Black Swan in an empty theater with your mom. The range between PG-13 and R is more vast than the plot holes in a Michael Bay movie. I hope to combat this. The scale shows photos and descriptions of a few well-known women in film and television. The rating is the farthest woman to the left of the scale who would approve of the film. For example, June Cleaver would not approve of Tequila Sunrise. The woman who would is probably Mathilda.

THE CLAIROMETER:

Clairometer

Clairometer

conclusion

With this blog, I write as though someone will read it and enjoy what I have to say. I am under no false pretense that I have a wide readership. It is mostly for me and for the one other person who accidentally stumbled across this blog. If that is you, I'm glad you are here. With this blog, I send my thoughts about what I watch on a black box into the abyss of the world wide web. I hope you enjoy reading these thoughts as much as I enjoy writing them.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Bad Ending

Bad Words (2013)
Starring: Jason Bateman, Rohan Chand, Kathryn Hahn
Written by: Andrew Dodge
Directed by: Jason Bateman

My Score: 5.2
Worth: Nothing really, just watch Horrible Bosses 1 & 2 or Arrested Development reruns to get your Jason Bateman fix.
Clairometer: Jenny Curran


The tagline to this film is "The end justifies the mean." I find that hilarious. Because that is exactly the opposite of what I thought, and what was profoundly wrong with this movie. Or put simply, the end absolutely did not justify the mean, not at all, under any circumstances.

With each review I try to provide you with enough information to decide if you'll enjoy the film without giving away the plot. It's difficult for me to describe why I didn't like this movie while holding true to the aforementioned raison d'etre. I will attempt it nonetheless. I found this film horrifically obtuse, to put it mildly.

To make a sweeping, but 78% accurate generalization: Jason Bateman pretty much plays one character. Sometimes that character is neurotic, sometimes he's a little pervy, sometimes he flirts with Liza Minnelli (please note that I have yet to see The Gift). But I love his character. There's nothing better than hearing his perfect delivery of straight guy responses to Will Arnett, Charlie Day, Tony Hale, etc. etc. With Bad Words I thought, "perfect, they're just subbing a cute Indian American kid for those guys." Unfortunately, that thought was more ill informed than the Trump voting base.

Jason Bateman's character makes the horrible bosses look suitable to work as characters at Disney World. In a world (rightfully) engrossed in ridding society of its bullies, this film promotes one. He is just so utterly mean to children just trying to excel at a spelling bee - so some of the country's cutest victims. Yeah ok, he does arrange the previously discussed cute Indian American kid an opportunity to see a set of massive breasts for the first time, which disturbed me beyond belief. I have a hard enough time watching Aziz Ansari have sex in Master of None due to his baby face, and he's a consenting adult!

The title of this post leads me to my final point. The entire movie is building to a secret that only Jason Bateman knows. It's the reason for his terrible behavior throughout the whole film. And for it to "justify the mean," everyone that he interacted with would've had to kick him in the nuts, including and especially the children. However, his Iron Man-like arc reactor electromagnet pulsing all this hatred through his body was a huge let down and did not justify the mean. His mean is completely misdirected, therefore, I must direct you to watch a different film to get your Bateman fix. Horrible Bosses 2 is actually quite good, I promise. 
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