How It Works

I love movies, but I hate most movie reviews. I hate them for two reasons: First, they always begin with a 3-5 paragraph in-depth description of the film. I don't want to know the entire plot, I want to know if it's good! I may say generally what the movie involves but that's it. Second, most movie reviews are unclear. I've read countless reviews that left me with absolutely no indication as to whether or not I should even see the film. Not here. I developed three methods to rate television and movies:

1. Just your average 10 point scale.
10 is obviously the best and 1 is the worst. Although, Something Borrowed might make below a 1 if I ever get around to reviewing it. I consider myself quite harsh, so if you see anything above a 9, it's probably in my top ten of all time.

2. What's it Worth?
I will tell you if I think it's worth paying for and worth the 2 (and ever more increasingly 3) hours of your time. I also make an educated guess as to whether or not you can multitask during the film.

3. The (not-yet) Patented Clairometer
In honor of my college friend Claire, I developed this rating system in order to display how "appropriate" the film is. It is designed to tell you a more detailed rating system. I find this helpful. Sometimes you want to know ahead of time so you're not stuck watching Black Swan in an empty theater with your mom. The range between PG-13 and R is more vast than the plot holes in a Michael Bay movie. I hope to combat this. The scale shows photos and descriptions of a few well-known women in film and television. The rating is the farthest woman to the left of the scale who would approve of the film. For example, June Cleaver would not approve of Tequila Sunrise. The woman who would is probably Mathilda.

THE CLAIROMETER:

Clairometer

Clairometer

conclusion

With this blog, I write as though someone will read it and enjoy what I have to say. I am under no false pretense that I have a wide readership. It is mostly for me and for the one other person who accidentally stumbled across this blog. If that is you, I'm glad you are here. With this blog, I send my thoughts about what I watch on a black box into the abyss of the world wide web. I hope you enjoy reading these thoughts as much as I enjoy writing them.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Movie Break for TV

5 Quality Television Shows You Probably Haven't Seen... 
(in no particular order, they're all great) 

1. Quite Interesting (QI)
Where you can watch it: youtube.com
Why you probably haven't seen it: it's British
Clairometer: Mrs. Doubtfire 

It's the most intelligently funny quiz show out there. Hosted by Stephen Fry and features British comedians and actors. Not only will you laugh out loud but you will learn something.

2. Arrested Development 
Where you can watch it: netflix.com
Why you probably haven't seen it: it was canceled, due to lack of viewership (who knows why)
 Clairometer: Holly Golightly
 Maybe they didn't originate on AD, but it seems to have perfected quick flashbacks, holding the scene too long to become awkward, documentary-style filming and hilarious overacting. It's probably funniest and most well-written sitcom I've ever seen.

 3. Columbo 
Where you can watch it: netflix.com
Why you probably haven't seen it: it's from 1960
Clairometer: Ethel Thayer

To quote Emily Gilmore, I'm not as fascinated with forensic work as the rest of the country. This is detective work at its finest. It's not about poking dead bodies or determining which angle they fell off a bridge with equipment that no detectives would have funds to use unless it was the murder of JFK. It's simply a man, his dopy car, his pipe and his mind. It stands the test of time beautifully (apart from the sexism).
Don't underestimate Columbo, like all of his suspects do!

4. The Inbetweeners
Where you can watch it: netflix.com and youtube.com
Why you probably haven't seen it: it's British
Clairometer: Jenny Curran

Ok, so it's immature, stupid and perverted, but it's hilarious. But do beware, it's not for everyone. It makes me very glad I was never a teenage boy in England.

5. Important Things with Demetri Martin

Where you can watch it: netflix.com
Why you probably haven't seen it: there are only  12 22-minute episodes, and canceled due to lack of viewership. (again, who knows why)
Clairometer: Mathilda

Demetri Martin marches to the beat of his own comedy drum. If I had to describe the show, it's like if George Carlin dropped out of law school and joined the cast of The Big Bang Theory - all with a handy dandy large legal pad.
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