How It Works

I love movies, but I hate most movie reviews. I hate them for two reasons: First, they always begin with a 3-5 paragraph in-depth description of the film. I don't want to know the entire plot, I want to know if it's good! I may say generally what the movie involves but that's it. Second, most movie reviews are unclear. I've read countless reviews that left me with absolutely no indication as to whether or not I should even see the film. Not here. I developed three methods to rate television and movies:

1. Just your average 10 point scale.
10 is obviously the best and 1 is the worst. Although, Something Borrowed might make below a 1 if I ever get around to reviewing it. I consider myself quite harsh, so if you see anything above a 9, it's probably in my top ten of all time.

2. What's it Worth?
I will tell you if I think it's worth paying for and worth the 2 (and ever more increasingly 3) hours of your time. I also make an educated guess as to whether or not you can multitask during the film.

3. The (not-yet) Patented Clairometer
In honor of my college friend Claire, I developed this rating system in order to display how "appropriate" the film is. It is designed to tell you a more detailed rating system. I find this helpful. Sometimes you want to know ahead of time so you're not stuck watching Black Swan in an empty theater with your mom. The range between PG-13 and R is more vast than the plot holes in a Michael Bay movie. I hope to combat this. The scale shows photos and descriptions of a few well-known women in film and television. The rating is the farthest woman to the left of the scale who would approve of the film. For example, June Cleaver would not approve of Tequila Sunrise. The woman who would is probably Mathilda.

THE CLAIROMETER:

Clairometer

Clairometer

conclusion

With this blog, I write as though someone will read it and enjoy what I have to say. I am under no false pretense that I have a wide readership. It is mostly for me and for the one other person who accidentally stumbled across this blog. If that is you, I'm glad you are here. With this blog, I send my thoughts about what I watch on a black box into the abyss of the world wide web. I hope you enjoy reading these thoughts as much as I enjoy writing them.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

The Giant Mechanical Man

The Giant Mechanical Man (2012)
Written and Directed by: Lee Kirk
Starring: Jenna Fischer, Chris Messina, Topher Grace, Malin Akerman

Rating: 5.5
Worth: 2 hours while multitasking, no money
Clairometer: Mathilda

The Giant Mechanical Man has great potential. It's one of those movies that is not bad, it's just not very good. There is nothing bad about the acting or the directing or even the story. There's just nothing very memorable (other than the fact that the main character is a 10 foot tall "metal" man). Notice that I'm incapable of placing quotes from the film intermittently throughout this post as I always do. There's really just nothing to quote.

Jenna Fischer is adorable and probably has chemistry with a tree stump. Not to say Chris Messina is anything of the sort. In case you are worried, you do lose the feeling that she can't be with anyone besides Jim Halpert within the first fifteen or twenty minutes. Jenna's character Janice, has a vulnerability with the giant mechanical man that is juxtaposed with her apathy towards the world. It doesn't seem that she is an apathetic person. It's more that she needs someone to either awaken in her a new vivacity about life, or be content with her just how she is.

People constantly push Janice to be the version of herself that they believe to be the best, forcing dates and self expression that she is quite uncomfortable with, until she meets the giant mechanical man. He draws out her feelings yet he doesn't demand anything that she cannot give. Perhaps that's what true love really is - finding the balance between challenging someone and micromanaging his or her life entirely. His silent attentiveness gives her a stage to air her grievances about the world. This film shows the unforced love that is not passionate, or animalistic. It's not love lost, or unrequited. It's simply that beautiful contentment that comes with accepting the other person's flaws and loving regardless. At the conclusion, I felt as though I had just finished a picnic in the park with sandwiches, juice boxes and the person I love. Content to just be without extravagance. The Giant Mechanical Man is not extravagant, like a picnic on a yacht with wine and candles. Watch it (only for free) as you fold laundry, and remind yourself why you are happy with the cards you were dealt; and if you are not, then go find your giant mechanical man.
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