How It Works

I love movies, but I hate most movie reviews. I hate them for two reasons: First, they always begin with a 3-5 paragraph in-depth description of the film. I don't want to know the entire plot, I want to know if it's good! I may say generally what the movie involves but that's it. Second, most movie reviews are unclear. I've read countless reviews that left me with absolutely no indication as to whether or not I should even see the film. Not here. I developed three methods to rate television and movies:

1. Just your average 10 point scale.
10 is obviously the best and 1 is the worst. Although, Something Borrowed might make below a 1 if I ever get around to reviewing it. I consider myself quite harsh, so if you see anything above a 9, it's probably in my top ten of all time.

2. What's it Worth?
I will tell you if I think it's worth paying for and worth the 2 (and ever more increasingly 3) hours of your time. I also make an educated guess as to whether or not you can multitask during the film.

3. The (not-yet) Patented Clairometer
In honor of my college friend Claire, I developed this rating system in order to display how "appropriate" the film is. It is designed to tell you a more detailed rating system. I find this helpful. Sometimes you want to know ahead of time so you're not stuck watching Black Swan in an empty theater with your mom. The range between PG-13 and R is more vast than the plot holes in a Michael Bay movie. I hope to combat this. The scale shows photos and descriptions of a few well-known women in film and television. The rating is the farthest woman to the left of the scale who would approve of the film. For example, June Cleaver would not approve of
Tequila Sunrise. The woman who would is probably Mathilda.

THE CLAIROMETER:

Clairometer

Clairometer

conclusion

With this blog, I write as though someone will read it and enjoy what I have to say. I am under no false pretense that I have a wide readership. It is mostly for me and for the one other person who accidentally stumbled across this blog. If that is you, I'm glad you are here. With this blog, I send my thoughts about what I watch on a black box into the abyss of the world wide web. I hope you enjoy reading these thoughts as much as I enjoy writing them.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

What I'm Watching This Month

Derek (2012 - present)
Created and Written by: Ricky Gervais
Starring: Ricky Gervais, Kerry Godliman, David Earl
Where to watch: Netflix

My Rating: 9.1
Worth: a Netflix subscription, and 30 minutes of undivided attention
Clairometer: Mrs. Doubtfire


The cliche "It made me laugh it made me cry" is necessary to describe Derek. Every episode literally makes me laugh and makes me cry. Apparently the now cliched use of literally is necessary as well. Derek is heartfelt, funny and like nothing I've ever seen. We all knew Ricky Gervais was a mean comic genius, but who knew he could be a kind comic genius. Derek shows his acting chops and his ability to put his plethora of random animal facts to good use (insert any Daily Show interview clip here).

The show is about a man who lives in a nursing home. Derek is mentally retarded and loves everyone. Anyone who has ever watch Gervais host the Golden Globes would rightfully be weary of him portraying a mentally retarded man surrounded by the elderly. But rest assured neither of these facts are ever the punchline. The delicate situation is ripe for political incorrectness but is not. It's lovely. Watch it. Laugh. Cry. Then call your grandma and tell her you love her.

P.S. Season (series) 2 has just been added!

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Leon the Bouquet Full of Tarantinos

Violet & Daisy (2011)
Starring: James Gandolfini, Alexis Bledel, Saoirse Ronan
Written and Directed by: Geoffrey Fletcher

My Rating: 6.1
Worth: No money, multitasking
Clairometer: Jenny Curran


The title of this post makes no sense and neither does this movie. However, from the limited interviews I watched with Geoffrey Fletcher (yes that is what I do for fun and in preparation for this blog that no one reads), that was his intention. He answers no questions about the plot or the strange, seemingly irrelevant scene during the credits. He merely hopes you will create your own interpretation for everything. Creatively generous, no? In an attempt to explain my title: the film is a combination of Leon the Professional, Pulp Fiction, and taking a stroll through anthropologie. I say Pulp Fiction with a caveat though, as there is only one plot line. And bouquet, because the girls are "delicate" flowers. It is slow, gory, and colorful. It would be painful to watch without Ronan and Bledel's beautiful blue eyes. The four of them are practically characters in the same way Zooey Deschanel's eyes are in any role she plays. The film is also on the semi-recent bandwagon of not establishing a decade. Until Violet uses a cell phone, I thought this was a period piece from the 70s. Perhaps it's the lighting. Or perhaps it's an attempt to create a timeless work.

The girls are technically adults and yet they play pattycake and thumb war. Oh and they also kill people. It's quite an obvious juxtaposition. The girls' boss* assigns them a new kill and this particular assassination is a bit difficult. It's a lovable, fatherly James Gandolfini. That, added to the girls being so pretty and seemingly innocent equals only one ending right? Daddy issues coming out in an R-rated sexual display. In the words of Borat, NAAAT. Gandolfini takes me back to The Mexican and reminds me how he can add heart and chivalry to an action film [you are missed papa bear]. That surprising turn of events, and the beautiful cinematography made this an interesting and, at times, heartfelt movie. It's slow and strange, but you fall in like with the brutal killers.

*played by Danny Trejo. But Trejoites be warned, he's on screen less than Drew Barrymore in Scream. 

Monday, January 27, 2014

More Than Alright Alright Alright

Mud (2012)
Starring: Tye Sheridan, Jacob Lofland, Matthew McConaughey*, Reese Witherspoon
Written and Directed by: Jeff Nichols


My Rating: 8.3
Worth: 2 hours fully paying attention, cost of purchase
Clairometer: Holly Golightly

Two young boys give the most outstanding performances by "children" since Keisha Castle-Hughes in Whale Rider. They are witty, believably from the small river town in Arkansas, and they frankly steal the show from the main-credited and Golden Globe-winning dramatic actor under whose name the film was advertised. The main character Ellis, shows a side to young boys rarely seen in film. When young people play major roles in a film, nothing is more obvious than when adults write their perception of teenagers. Snotty, shallow, and bored are the three adjectives that come to mind. But thankfully, Jeff Nichols is different, and Ellis is special. Ellis is respectful, insightful, and active. The depth to his character is deeper than the river in which he resides. He is affected by old-fashioned stories of adventure, as are most teenagers. However, he sees as part of that adventure protecting a woman he loves. And what decent woman wouldn't love him back? He witnesses no one in his town embodying this archaic idea of romance and it rattles his sensibilities. Ellis then meets Mud, and finally sees a man in whom he can confide about his ideals.

Mud is an adventure story. It is a love story. And both sides to this story turn out to be far more complicated than a teenage boy is able to fully comprehend. How do we cope when someone on whom our foundations of life are built turns out to be fraudulent? What do we do when the entire world around us provides absolutely no indication that true love is forever, or even possible? Where do we turn when everyone around us fails to live up to our self-imposed standards for them? Mud teaches them that life is full of mistakes and momentary bliss, but as men they must fight for what they want. Ellis shows us a level of integrity only found in the rarest of heroes. Watch Mud and your perception of love and friendship will be slightly altered for ever after.

*In case you're thinking this is the first movie ever where he keeps his (lucky) shirt on, you're wrong. C'mon, It's still the same Matt. I'm pretty sure it's in his rider.  

I'm back...

As obvious in my intro, I am in law school. This requires time and effort all year, but especially November and December, and April and May. January however, has been spent binge watching television of course and traveling - my two favorite activities. I apologize to my three readers for my absence. I missed sharing my insights, complaints and blatherings with you desperately. So, until April....

Thursday, October 17, 2013

What I'm Watching This Month

The Crazy Ones (2013)
Airs on: CBS
Starring: Robin Williams, Sarah Michelle Gellar, James Wolk, Hamish Linklater, Amanda Setton
Showrunner: David E. Kelley

My Rating: Currently, 6.5 but I think if we give it some time, it will find its voice as a show and the cast will either mesh or change.

Clairometer: Holy Golightly, it's a network primetime show, I think you know what to expect in this area.

I've given most of the new network sitcoms a chance - at least as much of a chance as my schedule permits. I prefer single-camera as opposed to multi-camera television shows. If you're not in the industry, or have more of a social life than I do, then you may not know the difference. Single-camera is shot with (you guessed it) one camera, meaning that it is shot similar to a movie, with multiple takes. Some good examples are The Office, Veep, and How I Met Your Mother. Multi-camera shows are often shot in front of a live audience with multiple cameras (you're getting good). This is usually conducive to one take because they can shoot reactions from many angles. Examples of this are The Big Bang Theory, Cheers, and Friends. If you watch television with these differences in mind you'll most likely start to notice a stark contrast.

The Crazy Ones is single-camera, meaning it facilitates fast-talking dialogue and frequent set changes. Confining Robin Williams to a small room for a long scene with slow dialogue would be a recipe for disaster. David E. Kelley, the show's creator, has a pretty extensive resume (Boston Legal and Ally McBeal to name a few). I think if we trust him for half a season to create the vibe he wants, this show will be quite good. In its current state, it is fast, funny and quirky. I have to put forth a substantial amount of effort not to miss a reference or a joke. However, the plot seems a little disjointed and the cast is missing someone (I'm not sure who). The show will find the missing cast member and the plot will become less episodic. If you want to see a truly awful start to an eventually great show, watch the first six episodes of 30 Rock. 

Luckily for us, The Crazy Ones airs on CBS and not FOX. Lacking any shred of evidence, it seems to me as though CBS tends to give shows more of a chance to fully develop and live up to their potential. I'm still holding a grudge against FOX and Peter Rice's overused trigger finger for Arrested Development, Traffic Light and The Goodwin Games. These may or may not have been his ultimate decision, but he shall henceforth be blamed in my mind.

All tangents aside, I always attempt to give a new show per season a chance while constantly ignoring my strong urge to re-watch old episodes of Community or Saturday Night Live. Last season it was The Mindy Project and it was absolutely worth it. Here's hoping The Crazy Ones is absolutely worth it, because thus far, it is at least better than every* other sitcom that premiered this season.

*As one final tangent I add that The Michael J. Fox Show is quite good as well. It sheds light on a misunderstood disease while proving that people don't have to be defined by what's in their medicine cabinet. Although his on-screen wife is comically taller than him, Michael J. Fox proves as endearing as ever. Why isn't my post about this you ask? I can't seem to stomach more that one show where a teenage girl is a main character. Thanks for that Dana Brody.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

No Pain No Monetary Gain

The Brass Teapot (2012)
Starring: Juno Temple, Michael Angarano, Alexis Bledel, Bobby Moynihan, Alia Shawkat
Written by: Ramaa Mosley & Tim Macy
Directed by: Ramaa Mosley

My Rating: 6.4
Worth: Rental, 2 hours, you can probably mutlitask and still follow well without missing any jokes.
Clairometer: Mathilda (It's rated R, but I can't really see why)

To begin, I will say that romantic comedies as a genre will most likely not receive above a 7.5 rating. If that's the ceiling, then this is a pretty good score, right? This is an independent film with an amazing cast, an interesting concept and axiom, and good writing. You could say it has all the right "indiegredients."

I hope you're still here after that. An ancient, Chinese, brass teapot gives impoverished newlyweds money when they experience physical pain, then emotional pain, then when other people experience pain. My complaint is that after viewing the first 30 minutes, the ending becomes a bit obvious. You can most likely guess it from the premise.

"If there is one ounce of evil in either of you, the teapot will draw it out of you."     - Stereotypical Ancient Chinese Magic Guy

 

The film also sheds light on the current plight of 20 somethings recently graduating from college: unemployment, underemployment, or dependency on parents.  This point is so demonstrated by the stars of the film essentially beating themselves up, as opposed to working. It's easier for them to inflict pain upon themselves and others then it is to achieve all they want the traditional way. This film is like an onion (or a parfait) in that it has many layers and a high potential for examination (and over examination). For example, is the American dream dead? How much emotional or physical pain is money worth to us? Are couples happier when they are poor and worried about getting by or when they are rich and fighting about how to spend their money? Does all the money still lie with China? Okay, that last one was a bit of a stretch.

"Why am I going to end up like Muhammad Ali? Just so we can have a good credit score?"


Thursday, September 19, 2013

Little Mister Poolboy

The Way Way Back (2013)
Starring: Liam James, Steve Carell, Toni Collette, Sam Rockwell, Allison Janney, Maya Rudolph
Written and Directed by: Nat Faxton & Jim Rash

My Rating: 6.9
Worth: theater, on demand rental, and 2 hours fully paying attention
Clairometer: Holy Golightly

Take every moment when you wanted to punch Michael Scott in the jugular, add Sam Rockwell's brilliant destitute Tony Stark impression, a punch drunk Allison Janney who makes Lindsay Fünke look like mommy dearest, throw in 120 pounds of awkward teenage boy, and just a dash of hilarious "Dean-like" Jim Rash and cook over the high summer heat. This is the recipe for The Way Way Back. What does any of that mean? The film is excellent. There is a very Little Miss Sunshine feel to it. For example, The Way Way Back redefines the concept of a loving family and what it means to be accepted in one; Steve Carell plays an unexpected character; and it sheds light on the fact that adults are just as flawed as their kids. 

It is rare to watch a good movie that leaves you with a (very momentary, but) happy feeling. Jim Rash and Nat Faxton's third collaboration is far superior to The Descendants. However, it probably won't win an Oscar. Aliens don't invade. The top doesn't keep spinning. The oppressed Jewish girl doesn't kill the Nazis. This film is the JC Chasez to the Justin Timberlake (music, not acting obviously - did you see Alpha Dog? Funny I didn't either). He's just as good, but something is just missing. And that something in The Way Way Back is endurance. I know in 4 years I'll be trying to remember the title of this movie and why I liked it. I suppose I can check this blog to retrieve that information. Thanks Al Gore.