How It Works

I love movies, but I hate most movie reviews. I hate them for two reasons: First, they always begin with a 3-5 paragraph in-depth description of the film. I don't want to know the entire plot, I want to know if it's good! I may say generally what the movie involves but that's it. Second, most movie reviews are unclear. I've read countless reviews that left me with absolutely no indication as to whether or not I should even see the film. Not here. I developed three methods to rate television and movies:

1. Just your average 10 point scale.
10 is obviously the best and 1 is the worst. Although, Something Borrowed might make below a 1 if I ever get around to reviewing it. I consider myself quite harsh, so if you see anything above a 9, it's probably in my top ten of all time.

2. What's it Worth?
I will tell you if I think it's worth paying for and worth the 2 (and ever more increasingly 3) hours of your time. I also make an educated guess as to whether or not you can multitask during the film.

3. The (not-yet) Patented Clairometer
In honor of my college friend Claire, I developed this rating system in order to display how "appropriate" the film is. It is designed to tell you a more detailed rating system. I find this helpful. Sometimes you want to know ahead of time so you're not stuck watching Black Swan in an empty theater with your mom. The range between PG-13 and R is more vast than the plot holes in a Michael Bay movie. I hope to combat this. The scale shows photos and descriptions of a few well-known women in film and television. The rating is the farthest woman to the left of the scale who would approve of the film. For example, June Cleaver would not approve of
Tequila Sunrise. The woman who would is probably Mathilda.

THE CLAIROMETER:

Clairometer

Clairometer

conclusion

With this blog, I write as though someone will read it and enjoy what I have to say. I am under no false pretense that I have a wide readership. It is mostly for me and for the one other person who accidentally stumbled across this blog. If that is you, I'm glad you are here. With this blog, I send my thoughts about what I watch on a black box into the abyss of the world wide web. I hope you enjoy reading these thoughts as much as I enjoy writing them.

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Friday, September 19, 2014

The Opposite of a Disaster

It's A Disaster (2012)
Written and Directed by: Todd Berger
Starring: Julia Stiles, David Cross, Rachel Boston, America Ferrera, Blaise Miller, Erin Hayes, Kevin M. Brennan, Jeff Grace

My Rating: 7.9
Worth: Renting, 2 hours, full attention
Clairometer: Mathilda

STOP. DON'T LOOK UP ANYTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE. JUST WATCH IT.


My method for selecting movies to watch is trailer-viewing on The Internet Movie Database, putting what looks good into my "watchlist" and, of course, watching it later. It's A Disaster recently came on Netflix, and when Netflix and my watchlist collide... I watch! That obvious process being said, I had entirely forgotten what the film entailed; and not knowing made it that much better.


I think I may be biased as to how fabulous this movie is. It is exactly my type of humor: unexpected, dry, smart, and at times, barely there. There is excellent character development, a well-established tone, and an acting gold mine. But then again it could just be my love of David Cross (cough* biased *cough cough).

This film is like M. Night Shyamalan and Emma Thompson at the 2014 Golden Globes collaborated. It's full of plot twists and confusing but hilarious drunken stunts. For the most part, I didn't see jokes coming but when I did, they delivered. You may not laugh out loud. You may be slightly disappointed when it ends (or how it ends). But in the words of Oscar Wilde (probably) it's about the journey, not the destination. Actually it's most likely a Nigerian Proverb. Everything wise is a Nigerian Proverb. 

Fall TV Premiere Schedule

In case you're wondering when your favorite show is coming back (or if it made the cut, and if it was on FOX it probably didn't), buzzfeed actually posted a helpful list:

2014 Fall TV Premiere Schedule

Friday, September 5, 2014

Out Now Review: Boyhood

Boyhood (2014)
Written & Directed by: Richard Linklater
Starring: Ellar Coltrane, Lorelei Linklater, Patricia Arquette, Ethan Hawke

My Rating: 6.0
Worth: wait to rent it, you can multitask just pay attention to the changes in time, definitely multitask because it's 3 hours
Clairometer: Mathilda

The description of this movie on IMDb is as follows: The life of a young man, Mason, from age 5 to 18. That is the most accurate description the database has ever drafted. The film is like watching a home movie of a family of which you would not want to be a member. It is interesting to see actors age naturally and not with makeup, but not interesting enough to sustain my undivided excitement for 3 hours the way an excellent movie can. I've discussed my aversion to films that appear too "real" see Too Real for Comfort. It's a trend in filmmaking that is apparently here to stay. So clearly some people do enjoy it, and if that's you, then you'll love this. However, with the exception of Mason and his father, I found the acting awkward and uncomfortable. There was really no plot; Mason simply ages.

I did however, enjoy the concept. Linklater did an excellent job of incorporating topical technology, music, and pop culture. The film shed light on what (I presume) it is like to be an American teenager with divorced parents. Don't expect an ending, or for any person to be in a better place than where the film started. Simply watch the actors age and travel through time with a few decent lines of dialogue. It is an impressive accomplishment. They filmed every summer for 12 years, and that's impressive despite my criticisms.