How It Works

I love movies, but I hate most movie reviews. I hate them for two reasons: First, they always begin with a 3-5 paragraph in-depth description of the film. I don't want to know the entire plot, I want to know if it's good! I may say generally what the movie involves but that's it. Second, most movie reviews are unclear. I've read countless reviews that left me with absolutely no indication as to whether or not I should even see the film. Not here. I developed three methods to rate television and movies:

1. Just your average 10 point scale.
10 is obviously the best and 1 is the worst. Although, Something Borrowed might make below a 1 if I ever get around to reviewing it. I consider myself quite harsh, so if you see anything above a 9, it's probably in my top ten of all time.

2. What's it Worth?
I will tell you if I think it's worth paying for and worth the 2 (and ever more increasingly 3) hours of your time. I also make an educated guess as to whether or not you can multitask during the film.

3. The (not-yet) Patented Clairometer
In honor of my college friend Claire, I developed this rating system in order to display how "appropriate" the film is. It is designed to tell you a more detailed rating system. I find this helpful. Sometimes you want to know ahead of time so you're not stuck watching Black Swan in an empty theater with your mom. The range between PG-13 and R is more vast than the plot holes in a Michael Bay movie. I hope to combat this. The scale shows photos and descriptions of a few well-known women in film and television. The rating is the farthest woman to the left of the scale who would approve of the film. For example, June Cleaver would not approve of Tequila Sunrise. The woman who would is probably Mathilda.

THE CLAIROMETER:

Clairometer

Clairometer

conclusion

With this blog, I write as though someone will read it and enjoy what I have to say. I am under no false pretense that I have a wide readership. It is mostly for me and for the one other person who accidentally stumbled across this blog. If that is you, I'm glad you are here. With this blog, I send my thoughts about what I watch on a black box into the abyss of the world wide web. I hope you enjoy reading these thoughts as much as I enjoy writing them.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Out Now Review: Wish I Was Here

Wish I Was Here (2014)
Written by: Zach Braff & Adam Braff
Directed by: Zach Braff
Starring: Zach Braff, Mandy Patinkin, Kate Hudson, Josh Gad, Joey King

My Rating: 6.0
Worth: 2 hours (I'd wait until Redbox/Netflix)
Clairometer: Erin Brockovich

Let me begin by stating that I loved Garden State. In my top 20 for sure. However, Wish I Was Here left much to be desired. It starts with the nondescript title. Wish who was where? That question was left unanswered. Next, the "spaceman" pretend game that Braff's main character references and visualizes constantly is just as confusing. Why does he keep talking about it to strangers? I pretended to be a mermaid while swimming in my neighbor's pool. I don't think this has a deeper meaning that I espouse as my religion as an adult.

Thirdly, the chemistry between Kate Hudson and Zach Braff falls somewhere between nonexistent and humorous. Jim Halpert had more of a connection with a blowup doll (I certainly, in all seriousness, do not mean to compare Kate Hudson to an inanimate object). They both had great performances, they just weren't believable as a married couple.

I'd like to provide you with a synopsis of what the movie is about, but I cannot. It is a disjointed combination of inspirational moments and F bombs. Where Garden State is a colorful, beautifully sewn quilt, Wish I Was Here is a free fleece blanket you got in college with holes in it. So the proverbial question arises once again: why a 6.0 if it was so bad? It wasn't so bad. The children are entertaining and poke fun at their Jewish heritage. Some of the aforementioned inspirational moments are just that: quite inspirational. It also provides an interesting commentary on modern relationships and what it means to "provide for one's family." That being said, the color of the daughter's hair tends to be the most memorable thing three weeks later.
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