How It Works

I love movies, but I hate most movie reviews. I hate them for two reasons: First, they always begin with a 3-5 paragraph in-depth description of the film. I don't want to know the entire plot, I want to know if it's good! I may say generally what the movie involves but that's it. Second, most movie reviews are unclear. I've read countless reviews that left me with absolutely no indication as to whether or not I should even see the film. Not here. I developed three methods to rate television and movies:

1. Just your average 10 point scale.
10 is obviously the best and 1 is the worst. Although, Something Borrowed might make below a 1 if I ever get around to reviewing it. I consider myself quite harsh, so if you see anything above a 9, it's probably in my top ten of all time.

2. What's it Worth?
I will tell you if I think it's worth paying for and worth the 2 (and ever more increasingly 3) hours of your time. I also make an educated guess as to whether or not you can multitask during the film.

3. The (not-yet) Patented Clairometer
In honor of my college friend Claire, I developed this rating system in order to display how "appropriate" the film is. It is designed to tell you a more detailed rating system. I find this helpful. Sometimes you want to know ahead of time so you're not stuck watching Black Swan in an empty theater with your mom. The range between PG-13 and R is more vast than the plot holes in a Michael Bay movie. I hope to combat this. The scale shows photos and descriptions of a few well-known women in film and television. The rating is the farthest woman to the left of the scale who would approve of the film. For example, June Cleaver would not approve of
Tequila Sunrise. The woman who would is probably Mathilda.

THE CLAIROMETER:

Clairometer

Clairometer

conclusion

With this blog, I write as though someone will read it and enjoy what I have to say. I am under no false pretense that I have a wide readership. It is mostly for me and for the one other person who accidentally stumbled across this blog. If that is you, I'm glad you are here. With this blog, I send my thoughts about what I watch on a black box into the abyss of the world wide web. I hope you enjoy reading these thoughts as much as I enjoy writing them.

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Saturday, April 12, 2014

Leon the Bouquet Full of Tarantinos

Violet & Daisy (2011)
Starring: James Gandolfini, Alexis Bledel, Saoirse Ronan
Written and Directed by: Geoffrey Fletcher

My Rating: 6.1
Worth: No money, multitasking
Clairometer: Jenny Curran


The title of this post makes no sense and neither does this movie. However, from the limited interviews I watched with Geoffrey Fletcher (yes that is what I do for fun and in preparation for this blog that no one reads), that was his intention. He answers no questions about the plot or the strange, seemingly irrelevant scene during the credits. He merely hopes you will create your own interpretation for everything. Creatively generous, no? In an attempt to explain my title: the film is a combination of Leon the Professional, Pulp Fiction, and taking a stroll through anthropologie. I say Pulp Fiction with a caveat though, as there is only one plot line. And bouquet, because the girls are "delicate" flowers. It is slow, gory, and colorful. It would be painful to watch without Ronan and Bledel's beautiful blue eyes. The four of them are practically characters in the same way Zooey Deschanel's eyes are in any role she plays. The film is also on the semi-recent bandwagon of not establishing a decade. Until Violet uses a cell phone, I thought this was a period piece from the 70s. Perhaps it's the lighting. Or perhaps it's an attempt to create a timeless work.

The girls are technically adults and yet they play pattycake and thumb war. Oh and they also kill people. It's quite an obvious juxtaposition. The girls' boss* assigns them a new kill and this particular assassination is a bit difficult. It's a lovable, fatherly James Gandolfini. That, added to the girls being so pretty and seemingly innocent equals only one ending right? Daddy issues coming out in an R-rated sexual display. In the words of Borat, NAAAT. Gandolfini takes me back to The Mexican and reminds me how he can add heart and chivalry to an action film [you are missed papa bear]. That surprising turn of events, and the beautiful cinematography made this an interesting and, at times, heartfelt movie. It's slow and strange, but you fall in like with the brutal killers.

*played by Danny Trejo. But Trejoites be warned, he's on screen less than Drew Barrymore in Scream. 

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