How It Works

I love movies, but I hate most movie reviews. I hate them for two reasons: First, they always begin with a 3-5 paragraph in-depth description of the film. I don't want to know the entire plot, I want to know if it's good! I may say generally what the movie involves but that's it. Second, most movie reviews are unclear. I've read countless reviews that left me with absolutely no indication as to whether or not I should even see the film. Not here. I developed three methods to rate television and movies:

1. Just your average 10 point scale.
10 is obviously the best and 1 is the worst. Although, Something Borrowed might make below a 1 if I ever get around to reviewing it. I consider myself quite harsh, so if you see anything above a 9, it's probably in my top ten of all time.

2. What's it Worth?
I will tell you if I think it's worth paying for and worth the 2 (and ever more increasingly 3) hours of your time. I also make an educated guess as to whether or not you can multitask during the film.

3. The (not-yet) Patented Clairometer
In honor of my college friend Claire, I developed this rating system in order to display how "appropriate" the film is. It is designed to tell you a more detailed rating system. I find this helpful. Sometimes you want to know ahead of time so you're not stuck watching Black Swan in an empty theater with your mom. The range between PG-13 and R is more vast than the plot holes in a Michael Bay movie. I hope to combat this. The scale shows photos and descriptions of a few well-known women in film and television. The rating is the farthest woman to the left of the scale who would approve of the film. For example, June Cleaver would not approve of Tequila Sunrise. The woman who would is probably Mathilda.

THE CLAIROMETER:

Clairometer

Clairometer

conclusion

With this blog, I write as though someone will read it and enjoy what I have to say. I am under no false pretense that I have a wide readership. It is mostly for me and for the one other person who accidentally stumbled across this blog. If that is you, I'm glad you are here. With this blog, I send my thoughts about what I watch on a black box into the abyss of the world wide web. I hope you enjoy reading these thoughts as much as I enjoy writing them.

Monday, September 9, 2013

The Mistakenly Un-Marketed Marketing Movie

Syrup (2013)
Starring: Amber Heard and Shiloh Fernandez
Written by: Max Barry, Aram Rappaport
Directed by: Aram Rappaport

My Rating: 5.8
Worth: No money, but 2 hours paying attention
Clairometer: Mathilda

This is based on a book, and it shows. I usually hate reviewing films based on books without having read the book, so as not to seem ignorant. I remember reading a scathing review of plot holes in The Hunger Games film that are clearly explained in the book. The screenwriters are most likely saving the explanation of the reviewer's complaints for the following three films. It just made the reviewer look like a putz. I hope I have not put myself in his shoes. All that being said, it seems like it's probably a good read, basing it off the witty dialogue and creative use of statistics. However, the plot is jumpy, disjointed, and occasionally unbelievable

To say that Kellan Lutz and Brittany Snow costar in this is ludicrous. If you're fans (not sure why you would be one of his) and only watching it because you see they're in it, don't bother. With that same logic, Misty May Treanor would be a huge fan of Cast Away.

Moving on to the true star of the film, Amber Heard. I heard Rhianna say once that she can make anyone attracted to her, straight woman, gay man, or otherwise. If that was ever true (trust me it wasn't) then she is henceforth dethroned by Amber Heard. She is a young Scarlett Johansson unscathed by Woody Allen's campy and at times creepy grasp. In this role, she is smart, attractive, professional and in charge. God bless her for getting out of the passenger's seat of Nicolas Cage's Buick Riviera and taking roles like this. While the film itself is not going on any rational person's "top 20 movies of all time list," her character is well written and fun to watch.

Syrup is worth watching for the comments on today's consumers, youth and relationships. In a sense we all are marketing ourselves to others - even our significant others - every single day.
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